Re: Rate my site

[ March Full List | Reply ]

Re: Rate my site

From Nan at Copywriting that sells! on 19 March '00
replying to Rate my site - I value your opinion posted by Jannice

Jannice:

I'm going to let some of the more qualified experts get into the nitty gritty of your site, but I do have a couple of comments to make.

The background on your entry page was s-l-o-o-o-w in loading! Although it's *pretty,* I doubt anyone is going to sit and wait for it to finally make its appearance before they click the "enter" paws. So maybe you might want to consider another background?

Your Mission Statement is pretty *boring.* Please don't take offense, but if you want people to move on into your site, you need to get them charged up from the get-go.

Here's my suggestion for a rewrite.

YOURS:

Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. your trusted source as America’s Home Business Opportunity Company. We provide Opportunities to individuals by allowing them to achieve their dreams and goals in becoming entrepreneurial full-time or part-time. Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. is committed to provide our affiliates with high quality merchandise at the lowest wholesale price with proven programs that can open doors to large profitable orders. Our staff are dedicated to provide a 100% Customer Service and that our success depends upon the success of our affiliates

MINE:

Now you can fulfill your dreams and goals by becoming a full or part-time entrepreneur!

Become an affiliate with Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. and offer high quality merchandise at the lowest wholesale prices. We have proven programs that will show you how to open the doors to fantastic profits! Our staff is dedicated to helping YOU succeed.

I may not be telling the story correctly because I'm really not sure what you site is about (I didn't take a tour). I just based my write-up on what you said in yours. Of course, if I didn't totally understand, maybe other visitors won't either ...

Good luck!

Nan

Re: Rate my site - jannice - 20/03/00
- Re: Rate my site - Nan - 20/03/00
Re: Rate my site - jannice - 20/03/00
- Re: Rate my site - johnn - 22/03/00

*Reply to this message*
Required Details
Your name:
Subject:

Optional Details
Home page title:
Home page URL:
Email:	(if you'd like to receive automatic replies by email)
Your Message
>Jannice: > >I'm going to let some of the more qualified experts get into the nitty gritty of your site, but I do have a couple of comments to make. > >The background on your entry page was s-l-o-o-o-w in loading! Although it's pretty, I doubt anyone is going to sit and wait for it to finally make its appearance before they click the "enter" paws. So maybe you might want to consider another background? > >Your Mission Statement is pretty boring. Please don't take offense, but if you want people to move on into your site, you need to get them charged up from the get-go. > >Here's my suggestion for a rewrite. > >YOURS: > >Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. your trusted source as America’s Home Business Opportunity Company. We provide Opportunities to individuals by allowing them to achieve their dreams and goals in becoming entrepreneurial full-time or part-time. Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. is committed to provide our affiliates with high quality merchandise at the lowest wholesale price with proven programs that can open doors to large profitable orders. Our staff are dedicated to provide a 100% Customer Service and that our success depends upon the success of our affiliates > >MINE: > >Now you can fulfill your dreams and goals by becoming a full or part-time entrepreneur! > >Become an affiliate with Worldwide Merchandise, Inc. and offer high quality merchandise at the lowest wholesale prices. We have proven programs that will show you how to open the doors to fantastic profits! Our staff is dedicated to helping YOU succeed. > > >I may not be telling the story correctly because I'm really not sure what you site is about (I didn't take a tour). I just based my write-up on what you said in yours. Of course, if I didn't totally understand, maybe other visitors won't either ... > >Good luck! > >Nan